New York State Literary Center

The New York State Literary Center

In Partnership with

Office of the Sheriff, County of Monroe

The Community Engagement Seminar at Monroe Correctional Facility 2019

Writing By Participants In The Community Engagement Seminar

Anonymous What is It Like Behind These Doors?

A. A. E. Untitled

C. H. To My Son

J. H. Notes, Questions, and Me

J. H. Why I should Be Accepted Into College

W. H. We Need Help

K. H. My Dreams for My Two Children

B. M., Jr. My Dream for My Son

A. O. Dear Me

S. S. I Do Not Want My Past To Dictate My Future

M. T. I Want To Live With A Purpose

C. W. I Am More Afraid Than Happy

C. Y. What Is My Purpose?

WHAT IS IT LIKE BEHIND THESE DOORS?

Anonymous

I wonder who can truly comprehend

looking

but not seeing,

hearing

but unable to listen.

The blankness of these walls is like snow

blurring the lines between sanity and reality.

What reality do you see?

Do you see

the life of a convict,

the life of a man, or

or the life of a caged animal?

In here there is no difference.

We sit.

We think of life outside?

We miss our children,

hoping and waiting to see their smiles,

to see their faces,

knowing the pain they feel.

Without knowing the truth behind their eyes,

they try to hide the lies of where daddy or mommy had to go.

UNTITLED

A. A. E.

My heart is made of gold. It shines when I am incarcerated, but I sell it the moment I step outside for a lifestyle with people who don’t love me the way my family does. When I am out there I am hollow inside with evil and fire in my heart. I am too blind to look at the beautiful things in life.

I have three younger sisters, eight, eleven, and twenty-one. My mother told them when I was incarcerated.

Incarceration

echoes

oppression

and is a school for criminals.

Look into the eyes of any inmate, and there is a story to be told, but we keep a code of silence, an unknowing of how to even express all of it. We need more programs to help us express ourselves instead of staying silent behind a mask.

TO MY SON

C. H.

My son, my dreams for you are that you stay far from the negative lifestyle and environment that I unfortunately endured. I only hope that when you get older you do not go your own way and discover it. You need to know the world and how it is and that there is negativity out there. If you are sheltered from this, you will not know what can harm you. I want to give you knowledge of positive and negative ways of life. I want do this for you, but you must ultimately decide how you want to live.

I want you to be successful in life doing things that you love. I want you to find true love to share your life and experiences. I want you to achieve happiness in your life.

NOTES, QUESTIONS, AND ME

J. H.

“He wished to add his own voice to the nation’s ‘blood-written history’ as clouds of ‘wrathful thunder and lightening’ hovered over the land. Then he gave voice to his life’s work. He would, as long as ‘heaven’ gave him the ability to speak and write, fight for abolition and the beginning of black equality with ‘my voice, my pen, or my vote.’”

David W. Blight. “What America Owes Frederick Douglass.” The New York Times, November 5, 2018.

I think there is so much news that is false.

The middle class is getting smaller, and the lower class is getting poorer.

History seems to repeat itself. This is what knowing tells us.

Is it dangerous to be educated and to go against the grain?

I believe we are slowly but surely becoming aware of the world through our own eyes.

To me, chess is like game of life.

"Herein lies the tragedy of the age: not that men are poor—all men know something of poverty; not that men are wicked—who is good? Not that men are ignorant—what is truth? Nay, but that men know so little of men."

W. E. B. DuBois, The Souls of Black Folk (1903)

What is the difference between Vladimir Putin and the president of a corporation?

Where does money go that is supposed to help the incarcerated?

How long will it be before the lower class rises up against the government?

Can I have a broad life?

What is the meaning of life?

I study world history on my own. I like to figure out the patterns of how things grow naturally. I like to play Chess because to me it relates to life in all of its aspects. I am very interested in investigative journalism. I like to read lawyer novels about litigation.

I do not know where I belong.

People misinterpret intelligence for weakness. Why?

I don’t know where I belong, but I know I want to be successful.

The sound of travel, the sound of relaxation,

the voice of truth,

the debate that goes on in my mind,

a voice that keeps me confident and sane,

sits unheard in my brain.

Dear Me,

My time here is getting shorter, and I have to start thinking about the future. I have learned that there is really no such thing as good friends. Being locked is one of the closest things to death, out of sight out of mind. You learn to kind of look at everybody with contempt. You no longer look at relationships the same way. Personally I will no longer waste my time on those who are going nowhere and do not cherish their freedom. It is the relationships I have had that have led me to some degree to being incarcerated in here on this Christmas.

I live and learn. I have learned I do not want to waste my time with fake friends, and I do not want to make excuses for them.

WHY I SHOULD BE ACCEPTED INTO COLLEGE

J. H.

My life? I have gone through a lot of struggles that caused me to be on my own at an age younger than most people. I grew up as a bi-racial child which brought with it identity issues that I had to overcome. I felt as though I did not belong in any group.

The problems began when my mother’s boyfriend, our baby sitter, was angry with my mother and burned me with scalding water. I received third degree burns. My mom never forgave herself and became over protective, which caused me not to grow up like regular kids. In addition when I was eleven my father died. My mom started dating one of his friends and that caused a fallout between us. I started to get kicked out of my home. I was not allowed to eat there or stay there, so I started to live on the streets. I was homeless from the time I was fourteen until I was eighteen. At eighteen I got an apartment and started to pay my own bills.

All of the time I was on my own I had a special interest in global history and travelling. I studied a lot of history and did a lot of research for facts. I have such a big fascination with the world outside of the United States. I keep up with world news and how it affects things around us.

I went to Monroe Community College and did not graduate due to my instability. I lost my job because my contract ended. I was encouraged by a teacher to attend MCC and to pursue my passion of studying the world around me. I hoped the degree would open the door to job, which required me to travel.

I have been able to work at some wonderful jobs from tech support to fast food to sales to hard labor. I was able to travel around the country and do sales in different states. I am sincerely trying to find out who I am. I do know that I still like to travel, and I still love history.

I realize that an education is important because I know you cannot get far without one. I want an education to open doors that I am unable to open myself. I don’t want to be stuck in certain positions for my whole life.

I believe that I have truly learned from my mistakes. I wish I had taken college more seriously. Given the opportunity to attend I know I will succeed because I want to succeed now, and I want to go above and beyond. I want a college education to elevate my life. I want to help others who want to succeed also.

Thank you for reading this and giving me the opportunity to tell you about myself and why a college education means so much to me.

WE NEED HELP

W. H.

I learned that having a parent in jail or prison affects children for life. It was a study on the effects of incarceration on children. The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world. Nationally the number of kids who have had a parent in jail or prison at some point in their childhood is around 5.1 million and this is a conservative estimate (Anna E. Casey Foundation, 2016). I know children are never the same with a parent in jail. I know this because it affects my children. I wish I could take back what I did, but I can’t and my kids suffer from it. Why can’t there be a program to help us get time off of our sentences so we could go home to our kids faster? Can you give us jobs to take days off our time? This would help so many of us get back home to our kids.

We need help. I am writing this for every inmate who wants to be with his/her children and family. We need this type of program. Our kids need this type of program. Who can help us and create a program where work would take time off our sentences? This is what I ask.

MY DREAMS FOR MY TWO CHILDREN

K. H.

I have a boy and a girl, one and two years old.

My son always wants to play. I miss that I cannot put him to bed anymore. He likes the music that I listen to.

I’m tired of being in jail, living like a slave, being told what to do everyday. I starve everyday and am bored.

My dreams for you my children are to believe in yourselves,

to defeat the odds,

to always strive

and to prosper.

I want you to think hard and sharper

than I ever did and could.

I want you to make yourselves and me proud

with your healthy spirits.

MY DREAM FOR MY SON

B. M., Jr.

My dream for you is that you grow up and be confident in yourself. I want you to know that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. I want you to know my son that you have endless support from your daddy. I am your life coach. Whenever you feel weak, I will be your strength. For every accomplishment, big or small, I will be your biggest cheerleader.

Another big dream of mine for you is for you to have goals and to stay family oriented, and to be humble, and respectful.

DEAR ME

A. O.

I am tired of being in here. Maybe this time jail will help. I am never coming back. I said this before until the cops showed up and told me to get on the floor. Days fly by while I sit here and wait. There is only one person to keep me out of here, that’s me. I know this, but I have my doubts. Goodbye my friend we will speak soon,

I DO NOT WANT MY PAST TO DICTATE MY FUTURE

S. S.

Many of us are one mistake away from breaking the law. Some of us are many shades away from different treatment. Lack of finances is lack of counsel. As a result we are housed on a small rack no wider than a coffin. We eat no less than below human consumption and no more than super inflated commissary consisting of processed food which can likely cause cancer.

I do not want my past dictate my future, and I do not want my present to be squandered on fearing my future. I have lost a lot to gain some new opportunities. One comes once a week in Classroom 4 at 1:00 p.m., that’s the Community Engagement Seminar with Dale Davis. Once a week I am learning to express my innermost thoughts. Thank you Ms. Davis for helping me to add my greatest accolade to my story.

I WANT TO LIVE WITH A PURPOSE

M. T.

At the end of the day what will last past my existence? What can my kids hold on to? It was never designed for me to be great, whatever great even is. One thing I do know is I have to have a purpose if not then my whole life is just idle time recreation. I would rather set life changing trends in order to give people like me a leg up in life. The way I learned prison is not a place I want to be was by going to prison. I never knew how much it hurt to be shot or stabbed until it happened. We don’t have to learn like that.

I sit in jail and daily it feels like authority figures try to break me down and oppress me and people like me. If only they knew what I have been through, they would know this is not child’s play.

I am trying to get back control because for so long I was out of control. Every move I make from now on will no longer live in my insanity. I want to live with a purpose.

I AM MORE AFRAID THAN HAPPY

C. W.

I am more afraid than happy.

I am more shocked at people today.

People who are supposed to help harm.

People who are supposed to be supportive steal.

We all should have the right to vote.

I am in jail, but I will be released one day.

Being in jail causes stress

because Trump takes away truth.

Everyone wants freedom.

We all need support from our peers.

WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?

C. Y.

What is my purpose? I ask myself all the time. I did not think I was worthy to have one. I always dreamt of having one and finding it, but the troubles I have had in my life started to show me otherwise. What’s the point? I have always hated those feelings and thoughts, but after awhile they just became natural. After so many years of being hurt, lost, let down, beaten, abused, and looked down upon I put my feet down and I am making life changes. I am starting to find myself. I have forgiven, but I will never forget. I am stronger now and more determined to find my purpose and to find the beauty in life itself.